Black Friday Shopping Guide - 10 Essential Tips

Hide your dignity and get ready to choke a bitch over a Sanyo TV…it’s time for Black Friday Shopping!

 

Hello Glutards!  It’s almost time for the official kick-off to holiday shopping, Black Friday.  Now if you live under a rock and are not familiar, Black Friday is a magical time where humans revert to primates and go “ape-shit” over important holiday goods such as dvd players, Tickle Me Elmo, and Estee Lauder tote bags.

 

How does one survive all of the madness?  Well I am going to give you a few easy tips to make sure you get out of Thunderdome…I mean, the mall…in one piece.

 

 

1.  Plan your journey- Make sure you know where you are going for all of the deals you’ve found online, on TV, and in those newspaper ads.  Plan a route to the stores, hitting the ones that open earliest first.  Why not use Google Maps on your smartphone or tablet to help?

2.  Scout the stores in advance - Get into espionage mode.  Go to the stores a day to two in advance to scope out the lay-out.  Make sure you take note of sale displays, exit routes, and elevated spaces that will give you the best vantage point of the carnage.

3.  Strength in numbers - NEVER shop alone! Especially on Black Friday.  Assemble your team with members who all have different strengths.  Choose wisely.  You'll need them to MacGyver your way out of tight situations, or to perform fun movie montages in the Old Navy dressing room...

 

 

4.  Set your alarms and start early – A lot of the stores have been opening at midnight on Thanksgiving night.  So what does this mean for you?  Enjoy your turkey early, have dessert around 5pm, play some Wii bowling with grandma, then GET YOUR ASS TO BED! You are going to need to sleep off that food coma and be ready to face the people of Walmart in the flesh!

 

 

5.  Two words: FANNY PACK – This little accessory is essential for Black Friday shopping.  It keeps all the things you will need (credit cards, keys, phone, pepper spray, rape whistle…) in a convenient, easy to reach spot.  Yes, it is totally still cool.  No, it will not make you look like a douchebag.  Celebrities totally wear them all the time.

 

See what I mean?  Fanny Pack = Bad ASS! Any questions?

 

 

7.  Create a survival kit -   Your kit should include such essentials as aspirin, coffee/energy drink, deodorant, bottled water, snacks (gluten free, of course), condoms (hey, it’s black Friday, anything can happen), BAND-AIDS, gum, and anything else you may need in the wild.

6. Dress in layers - Dressing in layers will help you when you are waiting outside of Game Stop for their doors to open. Also, all of that extra padding will defend against rogue elbows to the stomach.



8.  Wear steel toed boots -  Sh*t might get real.  There may be a stampede for the electronics section.  You might need to kick someone “gently” out of the way so you can reach that Rachel Ray cookware.  Why not be prepared?


9.  Be ready to FLIRT – Like Jennifer Garner on Alias, or Maggie Smith on Downton Abbey, don't be afraid to use your sexuality as a weapon. “Oh, that toaster is how much?  I thought it was on sale.  Maybe I was drunk again while reading the JCPenny catalogue...alone…”  If this doesn’t get you the best price, let a boob slip.  See, you may need those  condoms after all…


10.  Finally, have a designated driver – If all else fails, designate a driver and have a few gluten free drinks while shopping.  It will make the hectic experience much more enjoyable.  Also, drunk shopping has been clinically proven to reduce holiday stress and inspire better gift selections for your loved ones...



And that’s all I have for Black Friday shopping advice!  Just don’t kill anyone over a free gift with purchase, ok?

Glutardedly Yours,


~Tim

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