I’m back, b*tches!
Greeting Glutards! And welcome to 2013. It looks like the Mayans were wrong and we have all survived 2012. I hope your New Year's Eve was filled with safe and fun debauchery that lasted the whole night through.
To a lot of people, New Year’s is kinda known as amateur night. Expectations for the perfect party evening are set high and are usually not as great as you would have hoped. So how do you have the perfect New Year’s experience? Here’s a few tips.
1. First of all, make sure you have plenty of delicious gluten free libations for your evening. This means stock up on things like champagne, tequila, rum, sake and of course, wine! Trust me, you don’t want to be doing whiskey shots with your friends and then be hit with intestinal distress at the stroke of midnight. That sh*t ain’t cute…literally.
2. Make sure you have sexy ladies. Every great entourage needs some femme fatales. Sausage fests are no bueno on the biggest night of the year. *glitter light-up head gear not included*
3. Get your dance moves in check. Sweet interpretive dance is always a good choice. Even if it’s set to Demi Lovato. Sadly, YouTube would not let me post the video of this due to the music that was playing during the video. Just imagine “Skyscraper” is playing in the background.
4. Have some rockin’ New Year’s Eve tunes. This will probably include several versions of a song that no one knows the words to, Auld Lang Syne. Trust me, nothing rings in the new year like the screeching of an aging pop diva. <3 ya, Mariah!
5. Finally, make plans for New Year’s Day. The drunken mistakes don’t have to end when the sun comes up. If you’re like me and you live in the city of brotherly love, that means strutting your stuff down to Broad Street or Two Street to see the famous Mummer’s Parade. Don’t know what a Mummer is? Think of it as a fraternity of competitive drag queens, only with (mostly) straight men. They’re a little terrifying, but extremely fun to watch when you’re drunk. Apparently part of the parade decided to come down my block.
I hope you all had a wonderful and safe holiday season! Tell me, what are some of your resolutions this year? Leave me comments, people. 
Glutardedly Yours,
~Tim
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